well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize