I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
