Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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