i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
tell me about the eggs
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
