Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
