9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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