He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
