Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
