tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
