If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
