Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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