Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Randomize
