Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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