I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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