Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
only if we run a train.
done.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
