I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
