Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
