I'm really into asian looking animals
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
