Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
