Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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