I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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