Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
