you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
