Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
