I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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