If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
