its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
