AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize