A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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