I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
