I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
