I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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