He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
