just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
