Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
