I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
