ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
