i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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