i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
