I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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