Someone shit on the floor
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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