the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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