I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
