Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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