Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
