If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
