Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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