Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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