i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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