I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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