Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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