i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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