I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There's always time for handjobs
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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