I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
