He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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