if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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