All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
