I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
