the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize